Welcome to BALL TOWN

by Adam Sinicki

I've been going to the gym for a while now. In fact I've been working out since I was ten which puts it at 14 years ago at the time of writing. Granted I kind of threw myself into it without much prior research (I've done lots since) and granted I have been known to do things that raise eyebrows.

But you would think that by now I would know how a sodding BENCH PRESS works....

Unfortunately the reality is quite different. I mean I can use a bench press. In fact I can use a bench press quite well (145k is my current one rep max). The problem comes when I try to help someone else to use it and when I spot them. The problem is... that I tend to dangle my balls in their face.

It's not just me either. My gym buddy in Bournemouth Si has experienced the same thing. In fact he's been on both ends of this horrific equation. The thing is that we tend to pile the weight on pretty high so that three repetitions is something of a rarity and then do insane drop sets and pyramid sets. These things have been known to last hours, and by the end of it the person underneath has very little left to give. I believe that this is how a lot of people train and I think it has to be one of the best ways to work out.

The problem is though, that for the spotter that means that you're essentially curling or upward-rowing 70% of 140kg... which is a hell of a lot (yes it wuold take 2 seconds to find out how much and no I'm not going to). And that will break your back if you're leaning forward when you do it. Thus the only way to perform this correctly in my eyes is to stand over the person as you lift and that means, basically, straddling their face. They meanwhile are left teabagging a mouthfull of balls that are sweaty and moist from a long-day's workout. This is what we call ball town.

So common is this, that the very first time I met my old flat-mate Goof's girlfriend she over heard me shouting about how Si's balls were in my mouth. I do tend to shout as although his balls are lovely they can still be a little salty and they can make it hard to breath (happily I was blessed to be born without a sense of smell. He cannot claim the same good fortune).

I have yet to find a solution to the 'ball town problem' and I have yet to read anything about it on other websites. Thus I have come to think of this as a healthy necessity, and as perhaps not a bad thing at all. In fact I want you to eat balls too. Because it's this simple: if you haven't been to ball town during a pecs workout, then you're not training hard enough. That's not sweaty smegma or crispy shit you can smell – it's success.