More Characters in the GymThis article is a continuation of the article Gym Characters: Which one are you? Just so you know...The Gym-tyrant The Gym tyrant could be described as a machine gone bad. A man (or woman... but probably a man) who once was a shining example of what all in the gym are striving for but who has let that success go to their head. They are one of the strongest and most physically impressive in the room if not the entire county and they think this gives them the right to boss others around. They will try to intimidate wimplings with their superior size in order to use whichever station they choose and few are brave enough to stand up to them. Gym Tyrants are the worst things in the world, except maybe AIDS. The Gym-tyrant can be described as a Bizarro-machine; just like Bizarro Superman they have all the same powers but have become twisted and dark inside. If they meet a true machine they will clash instantly in a battle for supremity that will decide the fate of the gym forever. Grunts As the name implies the grunt is prone to grunting. This can range in irritation from 'slightly off putting' to 'absolutely ridiculous', and can sometimes even be verbal. A slight groan under extreme weight is acceptable and normal; we all do it from time to time. Some people can get innapropriate however, and will yell a series of obsenities on difficult reps (often directed at an unfortunate gym buddy). The only recommendation is to cover your ears when you see them turning red as the nature of their blue language is often enough to make Gordon Ramsay blush. Some people just up the volume ridiculously and feel the need to let out blood curdling screams on every single set. The music is deafening but still their screams are all that can be heard. The reason for this is often that they want attention. Don't give them the satisfaction. Then of course there are those who are just insane as can be witnessed when they shout 'Oooh yeah! Who's your Daddy?' Avoid.
Mr Motivator Mr Motivator is the over-enthusiastic personal trainer or gym buddy who sees it as his job to improve the quality of everyone's workouts. He does this buy shouting encouragement into your ear and applauding, like a labrador puppy his energy is boundless. He will think nothing of increasing the weight on your machine even if he doesn't know you. This then makes it awkward if you honestly are unable to do the move as you won't want to hurt this guy's feelings. Whatever happened to the orriginal Mr Motivator? Station Hi-jacker The Station Hi-jacker is one of the most infuriating characters in the gym. They start innocently enough, asking if they can work in between your sets on a machine or bench. Obviously, being the kind and well-meaning gym-goer you are, you will allow this without qualm. A Station Hi-jacker though will then completely change the amount of weight on the bar and pump out 40 reps lasting roughly 14 minutes. He will then get back up and leave the weights as they are expecting you to change them back yourself. Hit him. Homo-superior Homo-superior has developed himself to a level of strength that puts him above you and I and has trancended our pathetic mortal limitations. Equal to intense guy or machines but with a burning hatred for all those who don't meet his standards. He looks down on us as inferior, to him we are rats, not fit to lick his shoes clean. When he sees someone performing an exercise wrongly he will become even more enraged and you will see his face contorting into . He will scowel at anyone who he deems unworthy while thinking 'Your time is at an end pathetic mortal. Soon my master race will be complete - there will be no place for you in the new order'. Has-been Harlem The has-been harlem looks back fondly to her days as a flirt and is doing everything in her power to win back some of her former glory. She's not fit anymore even though she's incredibly toned and wearing hot pants. Despite this she will do her damndest to flirt with any guy who'll look back while the blokes will be trying to get away.
The Cling-On The Cling-On is a parasite in the gym who operates by following and pestering another. Usually they pick someone a few levels above themselves who makes the mistake of smiling at them. They will then ask for help on a set and of course you'll happily oblige. After you move on however you will notice them shadowing you, eyes fixed intently on your arms as they try to assimilate all that you know. They will then begin to perform the same exercise as you and will look up hopefully for your approval before asking if they're doing it right. You duck into the toilet to try and escape but upon turning around you'll find them in the urinal next to you smiling away while they empty their bladder. This pattern will continue as you move around the gym and if you aren't careful this will become a regular engagement. If you don't throw them off by the end of the session they will have adopted you as their new best friend. Luckily there's a way to shake them off - you must trick them into latching onto a machine. Machines are past the point where such a neusence can ruin a session and so they will happily pick up a Cling-On. If the Cling-On is a regular and he finds a machine he will permanently join their entourage as a groupie and padawan. You can now only look on enviously. Fit Receptionist Fit Receptionists are the honey-traps of the gym, employed by the owners to entice happless members of public into signing up. When you first enter the gym with the intention of becoming a member they will be all over you, fluttering their eyelashes and laughing at your frankly terrible jokes. Once you're a proud card owner however it's unlikely she'll have much time for you and won't laugh at your jokes unless they are genuinely funny. Obviousy not all fit receptionists are so manipulative and some are genuinely nice people. They can't help their amazing looks no more than we can. That says even the nice ones do not fancy you. It's their job to make you think they do. Note: Fit receptionist is not in love with you because she knows your name - it is written on your gym card. Wimplings The wimplings are the future generation of bodybuilders and gym goers, like tiny seeds who will some day grow into mighty oaks (don't water them though). They aren't much to look at - skinny and confused, but their hearts beat to the tune of the warrior. All they need is a little guidence and encouragement and some day they will become machines. It's written in their stars. Stud-man Perhaps I was being sexist before to imply that the flirt is an entirely female phenomenon in the gym - not so. The 'Stud-man' is the guy who goes to the gym for the sole purpose of trying to pull ladies. This is immediately apparent to anyone and everyone else in the room and is in equal parts cringe-worthy and grating. He can usually be spotted easily as he is partial to wearing an incredibly tight wife-beater that allows you to not only see his nipples but to count the individual hairs on his chest. In between sets he can be found striking poses against workout equipment to winking at the girls on the treadmills. Stud-man's self-worth comes from the opinions of those around him and he is under the impression that everyone in the room is focussed on him. As such he is unable to ever show weakness and so will very rarely lower the weight load to use less than those before him. If he's unlucky and the person before him happened to be a machine or intense guy then this can lead to damaged blood vessels and damaged pride. An inability to back down would normally mean that Stud-man would progress well in the terms of gains, but unfortunately for his kin this is negated by the amount of time he spends talking to girls between sets. The rest of us are above Stud-man; we're here to work out and work out only. I'm hoping someone fit will notice that and ask me out. Watch out - many personal trainers are infact Stud-man in disguise.
The Slime The Slime is a sad and unfortunate creature who will forever be banished from the rest of the gym-going community. Their problem is out of their control but no more bearable as a result. Shinier than the mirrors and wetter than the water-fountain they are cursed with unusually pro-active sweat glands. This is probably a problem for them in everyday life as well, but this is multiplied ten fold in the gym where they are taxing themselves. The site of them sitting on a machine (in a grey t-shirt that should be white) while water drips from their nose is often enough to make you change your entire plan. The good Slimes will bring a towell and wipe their seats after they've used it, their faces constantly fixed in appology. Others though have become bitter and will think nothing of the giant arse-prints they leave in their wake. Legend has it that once the staff in the gyms across the world tried to contain The Slimes within a small purpose-built chamber. This plan backfired and we now know these chambers as 'swimming pools'. Vainman Everyone who goes to the gym has an element of vanity (except of course for the fatties), the difference is in how well they hide it. Vainman's favorite spot is just infront of the mirror where he will spend happy hours checking out his guns/arse, not fully aware that everyone else can see him. I call him Vain Man because it sounds a bit like 'Rain Man' (it's how Arnie would say Rain Man incidentally), not in order to let girls off the hook who are often the main culprits. Vainman of both genders have even been known to arrange their hair in the mirror. They offer a form of light entertainment. Team exercise class! If you've ever seen the music video for 'call me' then that's basically what the exercise classes and everyone in them are like, only with a higher ratio of men and fatties. For one hour 20 or 30 individuals will subject themselves to terrible dance music, jumping and being shouted at, even though they could achieve the same thing on the CV machines. What's most annoying about this is how the music clashes with the music on in the actual gym and worse is the incessant shouting of the trainer taking the class (usually a Mr Motivator). The Quick-Fixers Around June most gyms suddenly become unbearably crowded to the chagrin of the regular users. This influx usually consists mostly of Quick-Fixers. Basically they spend all year being as fat and lazy as they possibly can thinking that come June they'll be able to fix the problem in a matter of weeks. They don't realise that it takes rather more than two weeks to see the effects of a training regime and that those of us who slogged it out throughout winter will be the ones proudly flaunting our abs come August. Much like the story of the squirrel who saved some nuts for winter you will be the one laughing at the end when they are fat and useless and you have abs of steel (actually I'm not sure if that's how the squirrel story ends...). It will be you who is raking in the ladies/men (although most people don't appreciate being raked). The Armchair Athlete Created from condensed pure evil retrieved from the heart of a black hole, the Armchair Athlete is to the gym what BSE was to the Beef industry. Thankfully he is actually only found very rarely anywhere near a gym or even outdoors, though if you do find one you should instantly make a crucifix and back away. Failing that you should stab them in the face repeatedly until they are no longer a threat (go for the eyes - they can't see without their eyes). Invariably either over-weight or incredibly thin, they usually have an incredibly pasty complexion caused by lack of sunlight. Despite this they will always be the first to offer advice even when it isn't wanted and will get in to debates with everyone from the oblivious wimpling to the frustrated personal veteran. Most of their time is spent on forums and chat rooms, or browsing Wikipedia for bodybuilding-based information and scientific studies. They then feel that this makes them the greatest authority of bodybuilding techniques since Schwarzenegger himself (and they probably wouldn't back down in a dispute with him either). If someone asks for your advice and you give it, they will jump in to tell you how you're wrong, even though you could probably crush their skull in your hand. Likewise if you're happily squating some pounds they'll appear as if from nowhere (like a leprachaun... but evil!) to tell you how you're doing it wrong. They are worse than Nazis. Did you find which Gym-Character you were? Buy 'Machine', 'Wimpling', 'Lone Wolf' and 'Intense Guy' T-shirts in the Adam Sinicki.com SHOP! 
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