Man Points

In this day and age, manliness is a forgotten virtue. Men are praised for 'being in touch with their feminine side', or for being a 'metrosexual'. Metrosexual, roughly translated, means 'nearly gay' and involves polishing your nails, exfoliating your skin and wearing lots of aftershave. This is not being a man. The Terminator never exfoliates, neither does John McClane and neither should you (ignore that I actually do exfoliate). What I also do though is THIS:

For these reasons, Nathan Wallace and Adam Sinicki set about creating a 'points' system and list of rules that will guide you in todays society of pussies. By dishing out and taking away Man Points we can monitor the behaviour of ourselves and our colleagues to ensure we all remain manly gentlemen. We can all follow the advice herein to be better men.

Some things that will earn you points:

• Punching someone: + 2 points
• Punching someone much bigger than you: + 5 points
• Head-butting someone: + 7 points
• Playing a riff on an electric guitar: + 3
• Downing a drink: + 3 points
• Running a mile: + 8 points
• Downing petrol: + 7 points
• Climbing something high: + 5
• Shouting really loud and beating your chest: + 2
• Wrestling a lion: + 20
• Setting fire to some money: + 5
• Smoking a cigar: + 2
• Swallowing a live snake: + 30
• Sex: + 8 points
• Swearing: + 1
• Swearing at your boss: + 4
• Swearing at the queen: + 5
• Being aloof: + 2
• 3-some: + 30 points
• Visiting www.the-biomatrix.net: + 5
• Lifting something really heavy: + 5
• Doing a massive shit: + 3
• Pushing yourself to the limit! + 9
• Exploding something: + 20
• Winning any kind of competition: +5
• Being on fire and not even caring: + 30
• Driving: + 2
• Riding a motor bike: + 3
• Being involved in a high-speed car chase: + 20
• Punching through a steel-enforced brick wall: + 50
• Being topless: + 1
• Eating raw eggs: + 1
• Eating raw meat: + 2
• Eating a dead human: ?
• Watching action films: + 2
• Not revising for an exam: +2
• Completing a centurion or a 24 can challenge: +15
• Climbing a mountain: +100
• Drinking Ale: +10
• Playing rugby: + 5
• Becoming a chunder dragon (flapping your wings while vomitting so you make it awesome: +12
• Wearing Brut: + 2
• Driving with your eyes close: + 8
• Walking out of an explosion unharmed: + 25
• Melting stuff: + 3
• Completing the Tough Guy Challenge: +100
• Hunting + 10
• Winning a fight with Chuck Norris: Man points aren't going to save you - trust me he's just letting you think you've won... Toying with you.
• Being able to pop open a bra by looking at it + 50
• Sleeping with a gun under your pillow: +10
• Sleeping with a pillow under your gun: +100
• Biting a priest: +5
• Getting a Blow job whilst driving: +30

Things that will lose you man points:

• Crying: -10
• Drinking deit coke: -2
• Watching Trisha/Oprah/any crap talkshow: -13
• Watching a romantic comedy: -2
• Being to tired to go out on the piss: -2
• Inviting a girl to join the man points group: -500
• Watching chick flicks alone - 25
• Wearing clothes that are too small - 5
• Cuddling with small toys - 30
• Going to the bathroom together - 15
• Having an elaborate Myspace page - 25
• Taking too long in the bathroom (- 25), unless of course you are doing a massive shit, in which case you earn massive pointage
• Moisturising - 30
• Washing ur bed sheets more than once a year: -50
• Using painkillers - 15
• Going to the doctors - 20
• Using Lipsill - 20, pouting as you apply - 60
• Appologising - 20
• Straightening your hair - 40